Musings : Codependency
Codependency is not simply a set of unhealthy relationship patterns—it is a wound of disconnection from one’s true self. It often begins in childhood environments where love had to be earned, emotions were unsafe, or boundaries were blurred. Healing from codependency is a return to inner wholeness : learning to choose self-trust over people-pleasing, integrity over appeasement, and presence over performance.
At its core, codependency says : “I’m only okay if you’re okay.”
The recovery path teaches : “I am okay, even if you’re not.”
It asks us to dismantle the coping strategies that once kept us safe—caretaking, control, perfectionism, enmeshment—and gently replace them with sovereignty, self-compassion, and relational truth.
This is not a solitary journey, but a relational rebirth : with self, others, the Divine, and the body.
Core Teachings & Principles
Boundaries are sacred. They are bridges, not walls. They protect connection, not punish it.
Your needs are not burdens. They are data about what keeps you well.
People-pleasing is a survival response. But authenticity is what heals.
Caretaking is not the same as love. True love includes letting others feel, fail, and grow.
You don’t need to earn your worth. You are already enough—especially when you are not performing.
Self-abandonment is the original wound. Recovery begins by turning inward.
Practices, Tools & Techniques
Daily Self-Reconnection :
Ask: “What do I need right now?” at least once a day
Practice mirror work or self-talk with phrases like: “I see you. I won’t abandon you today.”
Body-based check-ins: where am I feeling tension, pressure, or disconnection?
Boundary Practice :
Use the pause: “Let me get back to you” before committing
Create a “Yes / No / Maybe” list to clarify energetic capacity
Begin naming needs and limits in low-stakes relationships first
Inner Child & Inner Critic Work :
Write letters to your younger self: what did they learn about love? What do they deserve to hear now?
Dialogue with the inner critic and respond with loving adult language
Create a self-soothing plan (objects, phrases, sensory anchors)
Relationship Recalibration :
Notice where you’re over-functioning or feeling resentment
Begin naming your truth even if it risks temporary disconnection
Share feelings instead of fixes: “I feel _____ when I _____”
Spiritual Reparenting :
Pray or meditate with the intention: “Help me see myself through the eyes of love.”
Visualize divine or ancestral support when facing shame spirals
Use devotion (to Mary, Tara, Saraswati, etc.) as a container for learning new mothering
Books:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
The Language of Letting Go (daily meditation book) by Melody Beattie
Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
Boundary Boss by Terri Cole
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller (for understanding relational patterns)
Courses & Teachers:
Terri Cole (boundary work)
The Holistic Psychologist (Dr. Nicole LePera)
The Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) 12-Step program
Inner Child Healing with Thais Sky or Dr. Margaret Paul
Somatic + Spiritual Practices:
Polyvagal work and vagus nerve activation (Deb Dana, Irene Lyon)
Heart-centered meditation for emotional regulation
Visualizations with divine mother or inner protector figures
